"I walked into the room, dripping in gold.
I walked into the room, dripping in gold.
A wave of heads did turn, or so I've been told.
Or so I've been told.
My heart broke when I saw you kept your gaze controlled.
Oh I cannot solve.
Let's just stop and think before I lose faith."
-Crave You lyrics
I have a few limiting beliefs. They tell me I don't know how to do relationships. I choose the wrong guys. I make things messy. I'm too vulnerable, yet not impenetrable enough. I have such high expectations. I make others feel like they're not good enough. Nothing they do, nothing they say, everything's just not perfect. I don't deserve someone who treats me like a queen. I don't deserve someone who gets me intuitively and who honors and celebrates me. I just don't know what the hell I'm doing when it comes to love, because I don't know how to give love to myself, and I don't know how to do anything but people-please, in hopes that they will eventually give me everything I need, rather than believing that I am whole, I am worthy, I can give myself everything and love from someone else is just icing on the cake.
I feel that every relationship I have is doomed from the start, because I can't seem to shift these ideas and then, because it's what I fear and what I hold true, that is, inevitably, what happens.
And here we go again.
Over the past few days, I've been faced with a substantial decision: can I move past my habits and tendencies that part of me knows would be healthier to change — and can my partner do the same — or will we realize that we are now at an impasse and the only solution we can create is one where each of us begins to tread different paths in separate directions?
We've taken a few days to think about it. The catalyst for all of this is when I left a journal entry open, and it looked like a letter to my beau, so that he glanced upon it and came across all of the anger I hold within that I have such a hard time expressing aloud in real-time. The injustices, the hurt feelings, the things that I feel I should not say, because I need to be the good girl. Meanwhile, he says what he feels with no filter, and therein lies one of the problems beween us.
How do you help one individual who can't get fully clear on what she feels and is too afraid to express those feelings when she eventually realizes that they are, as well as support another individual who in fits of frustration and anger just lets everything fly? How do you help two people who feel the same about most everything in slightly different ways, who approach life and problems in extremely similar yet absolutely distinct manners, who point out where the other person has gone wrong when each of them does it in their own way as well?
We've gone a far way from feeling like we are dipped in gold, seen as bright and shiny in the eyes of the other. We've actually arrived at a point where things feel rusted, dinged, dented, tarnished, dull and seemingly unsalvageable unless substantial things change. But, how do you alter an internal pattern that is ingrained so deeply, at times we're oblivious to it even happening? Or, perhaps more accurately, we're so angry and frustrated at not being heard, enveloped, understood and loved unconditionally, that we no longer hold the other person in high regard and on some primal and elementary level, just want the other person to feel as badly?
Over the past few days, everything has slowed down. Time has evaporated into a mugginess that's thick and uncomfortable. The sadness of reality brings me to my faith again and again to understand there is a perfect order of the Universe, where I must genuinely allow the space for things to unfold as they're meant to in order for each of us to continue in the next step of our journeys, wherever they may lead. All of this means I'm not in control of everything, just what I can handle within myself. I can look upon everything with a brutal honesty, stand up for myself where I believe that a pattern cannot continue, open my heart and mind bigger to different possibilities, and just pray that we can each speak our truth in ways that come through for one another to enable greater revelations that benefit both of our healthiest growing. In all the spaces and gaps in between, I keep asking for help from a source wiser than the both of us put together.
I pray for love and light. I pray for peace. I pray that each of us can be conscious enough to move past the limitations we've created. In a meditation yesterday from the Chopra Center on forgiveness, I was told to understand that forgiveness happens when you realize that the person who has hurt you is doing the best with the consciousness that they have. People grow and move through things when they're ready. And every one of us is doing the exact same thing — our best attempts given what we have before us right now, given our current state of awareness, given how much fear and acceptance we hold in our hearts, given our willingness for change and development.
I have learned so much over the past year and a half, about me and my role in the reality I create not just for myself, but also for others. I ask for forgiveness for all the ways that I was knowingly violent to myself, to the ones I love, to those I barely know and for all the ways I had no idea I was doing anything hurtful to another human being. My violence comes in a way that's passive, that's non-verbal, that's rooted in fear. It comes by not allowing for forgiveness, by wanting punishment for wrongs created way, way back. It comes through judgment and by not allowing space for anyone else to be any way other than the way that I would like for them to be, to want everyone and everything to follow the script that helps me feel as safe and secure as possible.
I've been practicing a lot of Ho'oponoponopono, and asking my partner's higher self to meet with mine in my meditations, so that we can connect in ways that are more meaningful than our egos. When I do that, I see that there is great love between us, but that our daily selves can't seem to allow for that to come forth, that we're each getting in the way, when all we want to do is love one another and be happy.
All I can do is be in this moment is approach everything with the right intention. Everyone is their own Universe and we're just trying to figure out how to circumnavigate around one another's cycles and spins, pulls and pushes, black holes and explosions of light. I have not put my beau's happiness in the highest regard, so when he does things to substantially hurt my feelings, whether intentionally or not, I know that everything in some way starts with ourselves first. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we went from seeing each other as shimmering planets and stars and moons and suns to keeping our gaze controlled, watching the darkness envelop us from within and without.
I have no doubt we have learned so much about ourselves and one another in the time we've spent together. I wish that it could have been infused with more kindness on both our parts. I believe heartily in romance, but I also believe in the reality of the work it takes for two adults to merge their lives together, to bring all of the past, present and future into the mix. Without expectation, all I can hope for is the best for the both of us.
Life. It's so miraculous and heartbreaking and awe-inspiring all at the same time. That's what's keeping me afloat in this moment. The miracles. The heart. The awe. I am grateful I said "yes" a year and a half ago, when he came into my life, to the possibility and the pursuit of a relationship with one another. I hope that in every way we continue to say "yes" to the adventures that serves us and "no, thank you" to the experiences that don't. It's hard to think that this, right now, is where we're meant to be, that this is exactly what is moving us forward when everything feels like it's at a standstill and crumbling apart. But, if I have faith, then it's now when I practice. Not just when everything's going right, but also when everything's going awry, because even if I can't see the net, I believe that it's there to catch me when I'm soaring or when I'm falling.
I just hope that the love we have for one another is what lasts, not the ego and experiences we've created around it. I sincerely hope we choose to move past our habitual tendencies towards love for ourselves and one another, so we can create a galaxy of constellations and wildly wonderful stories that go along with the stars and the light.
All I can ask for is illumination for each of us. Please, let there be Light.