"What you're making is a new kind of life,
one that satisfies deep down,
one that speaks to others and leaves a legacy.
What you're making is art."
-a quote from my vision board
"You're a powerful manifester," my mentor and friend said to me the other day, when I was asking her for advice. "Ask the Universe for what you want. You know what to do."
It seems that everywhere else in my life — career, achievements, interactions, experiences — I have no problem asking for what I want. I have unwavering faith that things will turn out just as they are meant to, and often in ways that make me happy. When it comes to true love however, I hesitate. I become confused and uncertain that the Universe will heed my call. Underneath it all, I still don't feel worthy to ask and receive the love of my life, like I still need to work on being more perfect inside and out in order to have another soul love me as much as I would like to be loved. Even as I type that, I see that there's still a gap in knowing how to love another human being as a whole person rather than someone who's half-empty and needs to be filled.
That's changing today. Sure, some things in our lives take time to shift while other things can happen in an instant. This process of learning to love myself through and through has been in the works for years and today, I'm declaring this the turning point. Rather than be upset about the things that aren't working in my current relationship and feeling upset about where I now stand, I'm taking the same open and trusting attitude I have towards everything else and applying it here — to intimate love.
My beau hasn't held me back. I'VE held me back. I've made up excuses in my head of why I can't speak up, why I can't continue pursuing my dreams, why this or that. I created an anchor out of someone who isn't perfect, who is human, and who only wants me to be happy. We have kinks like every relationship does, and some are things that may not be able to be banged out, while others can be smoothed over time. Now, it's a matter of what I want to commit to.
I commit to my dreams. I commit to travel writing and being asked to pen stories for top tier publications: The New Yorker, Conde Nast, Vogue, Vanity Fair, Rolling Stone, Dwell, and more. I commit to being a devoted wellness practitioner who infuses these healing practices everywhere I go and in everything I do, including writing. I commit to living healthfully and eco-consciously, to take in valuable nutrients and expel toxins that do not serve me, to honor the environment I'm a part of as best as possible, to give back and to learn how to truly receive. I commit to writing a memoir that will help others live their greatest lives, and to having so much fun touring the world over through speaking engagements that further encourage every individual to find real happiness, contentment and joy. I commit to becoming a fabulous wife, a wonderful mother, a good human being. I commit to bringing more beauty and creativity into the world, more sweet space for self-acceptance, more pure happy. I commit to being healthy, hopeful, joyous, generous, self-respecting, playful, sensual, and really, really happy.
I'm now manifesting a partner who is absolutely kind and loving, completely supportive and knows how to challenge me in nourishing ways. I'm manifesting someone who is romantic, who likes to have fun, who's mature and can see the long-view as much as the short-term perspective. I'm manifesting someone who puts my happiness above all else, and in so doing, creates a safe environment for me to grow my heart bigger and do exactly the same. I'm manifesting someone who understands my past wounds and from there, knows how to help me co-create a different type of present, one where we're conscious on all levels mental, physical, spiritual and emotional. I'm manifesting someone who's romantic and surprising, thoughtful and considerate, generous and open-minded. I'm manifesting a true partner, someone who teaches me how to be less self-centered and selfish, someone I can learn valuable life lessons from. I'm manifesting a wonderful husband and father, a devoted man who I thank my lucky stars has chosen me as much as I have chosen him. I'm manifesting someone who's intelligent and creative, sensitive and sweet, expressive and active. I'm manifesting a beautiful soul who loves to enjoy food and cooking and wine and family. I'm manifesting someone who appreciates the wonder of the world, who helps me to feel safe in being vulnerable, who feels safe in being vulnerable with me, who is driven and relaxed all at once.
I'm manifesting that we live in numerous beautiful places, that we can pick up and go as we please, because have purposely decided to create a non-traditional and fulfilling life with one another and for our family. I manifest that we always have abundance, because we appreciate all that we do have and practicing gratitude constantly to beget more things to be grateful for. I manifest that we're both doing work we love that gives back as much as we receive. I manifest that we inspire a new generation of kind and caring human beings. I manifest that we make a positive impact on this world, because the two of us together are much stronger than either of us could be individually, but it's in being strong solo that we know how blessed it is to have found one another.
I don't have fun enough, so I commit to having a blast! I take things so seriously, so I commit to lightening up and realizing what's really important. I get caught up in aiming to do it right rather than fully appreciating what's unfolding before me. My sense of control is out of control, and I was reminded of that this past weekend when Emil, a friend I haven't seen in a few years as he's been trotting the globe pursuing his own dreams, pointed out, "I can see how much you're struggling between letting go and having faith, and still wanting to control everything.
As hard as this might be, I'm manifesting my dreams by becoming the greatest artist of my entire life. I am creating my own masterpiece, one moment at a time.