"Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness,
to pull another hand into the light."
-Norman B. Rice
It's not easy for me to ask for help. It's even harder for me to receive it. And, especially over the past couple of days, I've had to be vulnerable in different ways in hopes that someone would reach back out to help pull me into the light.
My beau and I are no longer together. Having spent an arduous few weeks after making this decision, things have not ended as I hoped that they would in an amicable and loving way. Instead, our shared space became a dim place that turned into a need for me to leave the situation, lest my heart be made harder for the seeming inability to hear, see, or respect one another as the other person would prefer.
Two of my girlfriends came at my last-minute call to help move my things into a new place, one that I just found out I'm not yet certain to have yet, because the property management company has not made a final decision. So, I find myself in limbo, learning to practice patience, to practice faith that the Universe loves me and is looking out for me, and most importantly, to practice relying on other people and not feel badly for accepting their offerings of support, affection, and encouragement.
I revel in the hugs I receive, the reminders that I'm a good person and not the bad/selfish/unkind one my beau has painted me to believe. I welcome, as readily as I can, the new opportunities that are opening up, like being invited on Fox5 news today to practice yoga, or becoming aware of karmic balance, when my friend's roommate offered to make me pancakes for breakfast before the sun was up — a person who barely knows me at all — to contrast how I'd been asking my partner for just this thing, but his response was, "You wake up so damn early, no one could possibly wake up earlier than you to do that for you."
I see that I have a tendency to choose men who do not treat me in ways that I believe many women would like to be honored, and perhaps this is an attempt to rectify past familial histories, like if I can get my recent beau to take responsibility for his actions and his words, then somehow, it will make right my upbringing, in which the adults never owned up to their misbehaviors. I know that I'm human, and that when we are in love, in longer relationships, or in "comfortable situations," we let so many things slide that if our friends told us they were going through, we simply wouldn't support that type of experience.
I believe things are different now, which is why I chose to walk away, why I let my heart be sad and bruised and broken in little ways throughout the past month, why I looked at him when he was yelling to ask if that was what he wanted to do? I'm not perfect by any means, and there were definitely times that my behavior could have shifted for the better as well. I could have removed the high expectations I tend to have for myself and subsequently for my partner, which often makes someone else feel like they're not enough, or I could have been less adamant about implementing my beliefs instead of truly respecting differing opinions. There are a lot of "could haves" and "would haves" that only time will filter into truth, so in the meantime, when I meditate, I send healing wishes, love, and light towards the people I feel I have wronged, or those I feel who have hurt me.
What I've learned from the time we've spent together and how I've grown from this experience will likely unfold for quite awhile to come. But what I can see happening right now is that something in me has finally taken a stand to affirm that my happiness and well-being is more important than any story I've conjured of how I'd like things to end up or be. I can see the Magic Mirror effect, where I am reflecting something back to him and he is reflecting back to me, and then we choose how to respond, what to believe, what not to take personally, because sometimes, it wasn't our looking glass looking back at us, but a special visual effect of projection.
I am tapping into my power, believing in my greatest potential, and opening up to a greater faith that I know what is right within. I'm developing a substantially deeper trust in myself, which is exactly where peace of mind comes from. All I can do is be present, be with the love that surrounds me everywhere, and aim to be my whole person while truly encouraging others to do the same. Hopefully, the next relationship I enter will sustain that idea in a mutual and healthy way. In the meantime, I am humbled by the wonder and abundance of love that exists within my friends and family.
Thank you, Universe, for blessing me with the people in my life — supportive and challenging — as they make me who I am now. And, when I forget, please help to remind me that I am more than okay. I'm great. I was then, I am now, and I will be ever after.
I had asked Ganesha to help me remove obstacles. He's the deity for the Root Chakra, the place where we feel grounded, safe, and secure. He answered my prayers, just not in the way that I expected and with more flair than anticipated. My craniosacral healer always says that the Universe gently nudges you at first to pay attention. When you don't listen, It starts to push a little harder. And, when you still don't listen, It smacks you upside the backside with a wallop of awareness and a learning opportunity you can't ignore.
Yep, that's about right. Namaste.