"What you need to know about the past
is that no matter what has happened,
it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment.
And this moment is the moment you can choose to make everything new.
I haven't written for awhile for numerous reasons, one of which is that I haven't had access to internet in my wonderful new home. That, and the fact that I've been busy... breaking up, moving out, moving in, meeting new people, and redefining my career. Just to name a few of the happenings as of late.
The events toward the end of my relationship were both completely shocking and not at all surprising. It became abundantly clear that while we had set an intention of leaving on amicable, kind and loving terms, what actually transpired was that I found myself in a toxic situation, which my closest friends encouraged me to immediately leave.
As always, the Universe was setting things up in a perfect order, so that I would first see my craniosacral healer, Gary, who would tell me that if, for any reason, it became clear that it was no longer healthy for me to wait out the remainder of September in the house I shared with my beau until my new apartment was available, I had the freedom to leave.
I looked at Gary, brows furrowed, "I'm sure it'll be okay. It's not the greatest situation, but I'm sure it'll be fine."
After a seemingly inane encounter with my beau at the workplace we shared, our interactions became a clear message for me to get out. I realized Gary was right and the best thing to do for my mental and emotional well-being was to pack up my things a week early and move immediately. The yelling and intolerable responses I was constantly greeted with were chipping away at my psyche, and perhaps because I had been "in it" for so long, my perspective had become skewed to the point that I needed other people to tell me how to preserve my health.
I saw Gary a week later and told him the events that transpired, to which he said, "I knew that things wouldn't end well, but that wasn't my place to tell you. When you first came in, I hadn't seen you in a few months, and it looked like you aged tremendously. Now, just a short while later, I feel like you're returning to the you who I knew before. Your light is coming back."
I couch surfed for a week and relied upon the kindness of the amazing people in my life. Those who know me well understand how absolutely independent I am, and how hard of a time I have allowing others to help take care of me even though I love offering them tender loving attention. Every night throughout the week of transition, I had multiple offers of places to stay. These friends cooked me meals, gave me keys to their homes, listened to me, played with me outdoors in nature, and kept my spirits up by being the rational voice that I seem to have lost in the almost two years I spent with my beau. These unbelievably incredible people showed me such love that I had no idea was brimming around me to such phenomenal depths and degrees.
"It's so easy to love you," my friend Quyen said the other day. "One day, a switch will flip and you'll finally see yourself the way that everyone else around you sees you. Then, you'll go on ego trip!"
My new housemates — before my lease was signed and official — allowed me to move my things into the garage and even offered for me to stay until I could actually move in. They stayed in contact with me, helped clean the house from top to bottom, and then on the day when everything was finally in my new abode, went with me to get margaritas and take in a beachside sunset to celebrate. These women I now live with are from Brazil, they're beautiful, full of life and fun-loving, and absolutely encourage me to love myself more than ever in every respect.
So, why is it that I still feel a little off? I'm happier than I've been in a very long time, but things are seemingly unsettled and when I'm in this limbo phase — these uncertain parts of life — I crave an answer. Something with finality to propel me into the next thing. But, I trust that this is exactly where I'm supposed to be. Rather than beat myself up for feeling like a lazy loafer, I'm seeing it as an opportunity for patience, introspection and self-love.
It's just confusing to me, because I'm no longer emotionally attached to my beau and I feel like I've adjusted quite well through everything that's happened. Yet, when I took a Restorative Yoga class recently, each time I almost fell asleep amidst the bolsters and the relaxing ambiance, I would see angry faces appear before me screaming and shouting. I left class feeling completely bothered and riddled with annoyance, proving once again, yoga brings up exactly what's happening within you if you're willing to look at it.
Is it because I'm going through a whammy of changes, any one of which would be a huge stressor for someone? Is it because, when I went back to pick up my final possessions, I was greeted by an extremely disrespectful situation I could not have predicted, but at the same time, knew all along? Is it because I'm grieving not only a dissolved relationship, but also the realization that a couple of the paths I've been traveling full-speed on are diverging in ways that'll undoubtedly be beneficial for me, yet which entail a period of adjustment for this change in course?
It's the perfect time to begin a program that was recommended to me by a dear bodyworker friend, one in which I'll be delving into my subconscious to release the patterns that were imprinted upon me by the adults in my life. All of this is so that I can be fully present as the person I am now, not as the stories that were told to me before I was old enough to discern what was truth and what was delusion.
"The greatest battle ever fought," Barry, the PhD and HHP I'll be working with, explained to me, "is one that appears in every culture on this planet. Some say it's the fight between good and evil, light and dark. In the Bhagavad Gita, it's the battle of Arjuna. For every human being, it's the fight between the subconscious and the conscious or logical mind. It's the battle between truth and delusion."
I'm excited and nervous for what's going to come up in the next six weeks I've dedicated to this program. Barry cautioned that this process will dredge up things internally and externally that will provide opportunities for my greatest learning, so to be extremely careful with myself and the decisions I'll be making. I've warned my housemates about it, and they're extremely supportive. How often do you have the opportunity to really go deep within and de-program your learnings to live as the healthiest version of you now?
We'll see what comes up. It'll bring me right up to the holidays, which is why I asked Barry if he thought it would be a bad idea to plan it this way, so that I'll be in the midst of this program when Thanksgiving comes around.
He did a little calculation in his head. "Actually," he reassured me, "that'll be perfect. You'll have done the crux of the work by then, and should already be seeing substantial transformations in your life, so this'll be a great opportunity to interact with your family in different ways."
I'm doing my best to be present, to be in this moment with as much mindfulness as I can muster, because I am writing my way into the path that has spoken to my heart all along. Through my words, my actions, and how I choose to live my life from this point forward, I'm releasing the past, relinquishing worry about the future, and being here as the me I am learning how to be.