Friday, January 4, 2013

Fumbling towards grace.

"Seeking happiness, I passed many travelers 
headed in the opposite direction,
seeking happiness."
~Robert Brault

The other day, a friend of mine told me that I'm approaching everything in my life so gracefully right now.

I responded, "If this is grace, then I'd hate to see what muddling through everything is!" Because however people perceive me on the inside, when you're on the inside, it's a different story. When you're on the inside looking out, changes seem to come incrementally. Occasionally, there are big wallops here and there, but for the most part, I feel as though I'm piecing together bits and parts of a jigsaw puzzle that I'm not even sure what the final picture is supposed to look like.

It feels like fumbling. That's what "grace" feels like.

I met with my mind-body mentor yesterday, and updated him on my life in the weeks between the last time I saw him.

He smiled broadly, "I'm so proud of you — you're doing great!"

I looked at him, perplexed.

"Really?" I questioned. "Because it certainly doesn't feel like that from here. Everyone else around me tells me that they notice these profound shifts, and here I am, feeling like I'm far from the serenity that they perceive me to have."

"Of course it doesn't feel like that for you," he said. "Because you're in the thick of it. But, you really are making great progress."

I shrugged. "Okay, I'll believe you. Hopefully, I'll feel that soon, too."

We have a whole other process to work through together, and I'm eager for it. It'll help me reveal a lot of the patterns of my relationships, be it friends/colleagues/partners/whomever they may be. I've noticed that how I am in one arena really does permeate in others, because the reason I'm a consultant is because I like to help people fix things. I do this with my clients, and it's one of the reasons I'm being asked to take on a much greater role for one of my current projects. People feel good when they're around me. They're happy. They're calmer. They feel more empowered to become who they'd like to be. And, this is what I teach in yoga classes, what carries through to my Reiki clients. But most of all, being a freelancer and consultant gives me the freedom to leave when I need to, when I feel that I've become too close, when another opportunity begins to look more appealing. This trend also carries through to when my friends and family want to love me, and I want to pull away. This is why I have chosen relationships in the past where I know on some gut level that it won't work out, because that way, I can always have an excuse as to why I'm not living the life of my dreams instead of risking it all and going for it.

So, that's what I'll be embarking on soon, all that I've learned on how to relate to others from my father, which "statistically speaking" as Barry, my mind-body mentor observed, goes a lot faster than unearthing my history with my mother. I'm ready for the life of my dreams. I've worked hard to get here, and this is why I'm an awesome teacher. Because I speak from experience and from a yearning to go deeper, know more, be better.

While I genuinely am not certain about a lot of things, I'm still putting one foot in front of the other with a heart as open as I'm able to hold. I have opportunities before me right now that I can say "yes" to, or "no." After an enjoyable conversation with the owner of Mission Playground a few days ago, during which he shared the understanding that where we stand now is the culmination of all the decisions we've made up until this point, I wonder where I'll be in years to come based on how I walk the path through the choices that are presenting themselves to me now.

It's really hard to be in the unknown. But, perhaps a reassuring fact is that I'm not alone in this. We're all in various stages and depths of the unknown. I talk a lot about these things to close friends and confidantes, but whatever they tell me will still not make things known. They're hypothesizing and sharing what they've learned, yet there's still not any certainty to the insights they provide. And I guess grace is being okay with this — it's being all right with feeling like I just have no clue, really. As much as it may look like it on the outside that my life is all put-together, I'm fumbling. And these days, all I can do is shrug and accept that's where I am.

Maybe one day, I'll trip my way into feeling like I've got it figured out.

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