Thursday, January 3, 2013

Losing sight of the big picture.

"Let's not forget that the little emotions
are the great captains of our lives
and we obey them without realizing it."
~Vincent Van Gogh

Over Christmas, I was hanging out with my brother and had my laptop in my hands, walking back to the room where I'd be spending the night. As I did so, I looked to the left and saw an amazing Playstation record mixer, so I paused and turned back towards my brother to ask him about it. Without realizing it, I had tilted my palms so my Macbook Air came sliding down my hands towards my face and BAM! The edge of my laptop screen hit my lip and caused me to yelp in pain as blood began to cover the now open wound.

The next day, I look like I had duck lips. My mother looked at me compassionately and said, "When you were all growing up, we'd be worried about your younger siblings getting hurt, but in the end, it was always you who'd end up with the worst boo-boos."

An apropos statement on so many levels.

The days that passed helped my lip heal, but I notice now a slight mark on the outline of my lips. No one else notices, just me. I like my lips. I didn't used to realize how juicy and full they were, how much they lend to my smile and to the kisses I give, but now, I dig them as one of my favorite features. So, when I noticed that in the healing process, I was walking away with a scar, I became disappointed and felt like the Universe was teaching me once again not to get so attached to the things I enjoy — or even don't like — because you never know what change will happen.

My brain constantly feels rattled these days with so many projects happening at once. There are the four marketing clients I'm juggling, the yoga studios/corporate clients/private clients I regularly teach every week, the workshops that will be launching later this month, the tangible and e-products I'm creating to support these endeavors, the book I'm writing, and mostly, the work I'm doing on myself as I aim to complete the mind-body program I embarked on months ago. I don't actually think there'll be a finish date to the last one, that it'll be a perpetually evolving releasing of the past and embracing the present into the future, but it can take a wallop on the psyche and the soul. All of this amidst my yearning to get back into being fully active as I'm not sure how/when my hip will heal. 

As always, it's a lot.

I might be going a bit stir crazy, finally, from not being able to surf and climb and yoga and run in all the ways that I am accustomed to, but there are subtleties that I'm learning throughout this process. Like getting craftier with the goods I make, meditating and writing more, and practicing other styles of yoga, like Restorative, as well as the big understanding that real yoga is what happens off the mat and in my daily living.

On top of all this, I keep wondering when I'm going to meet my soul mate. I don't know why I'm worried, why I feel like the Universe has been amazing to me in every other element of my life and I can powerfully manifest my wildest dreams come true for career and experiences, but when it comes to this aspect of completing the big picture — finding a real partner for the rest of my days — this is hard. I lose faith. I don't have trust. I'm impatient. I believe that he's out there, that he's working on himself in the same ways that I am, and when the Universe is ready, it'll gently present us with one another. In the meantime, the not knowing and the waiting and the wondering is driving me batty.

But, this could very well be, because my brain is looking for a diversion. Here I am, on the cusp of living out my dreams come true with writing my manuscript and having phenomenal resources in my corner ready for it to launch, but I want to look for something else? I want to control everything again? I want to sabotage all the good things I've got going for... what? Because I think I know better about what my heart wants and what will make me truly content? 

It could also be a learning in the fact that I have this sneaking suspicion when I stop looking outwardly to complete what I feel inwardly, when I understand I already have all the love I need inside to be happy, then BAM, everything I've wanted will be right there. If I can be present and not focus on what's lacking, on the little details that no one else can see, then I'll be able to enjoy the big picture of what's really happening. Maybe it won't look the way I thought. Maybe the things I think that make me so happy now will actually be different if I can stop trying to make my life turn out the way that I believe is best. Because, as I've always believed, "This or something better." 

Who knows what wonder the world has in store for me? 

I'll stop staring at my lips and focusing on the one boo-boo that recently cropped up. Maybe then, I'll see what's real. That my lips are still juicy and perfect for smiling and pouting and, one day, kissing.

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