"Ideals are like stars:
you will not succeed in touching them with your hands,
but like the seafaring man on the desert of waters,
you choose them as your guides,
and following them you reach your destiny."
Yesterday evening, I had a conversation with a soul mate about shifting the status of our relationship back to one of friendship more than anything else. This morning, I woke up filled with sadness at the grief and loss, even though I know that the Universe will continue to intertwine our paths in serendipitous ways if it's meant to be. As I tend to do, I wanted to "figure out" what and why I was feeling what I did, eventually arriving at the conclusion that it was simply acknowledgement of where I currently am in my life — how my relationship with myself is the most important thing and I'm not quite ready for anything more than slowly cultivating meaningful interactions with others — and accepting that as much as I would've liked for this to work out, right now, it's just not the right fit for me. Am I fully convinced that this is the right decision? No, but I do believe I'm acting mostly out of truth, likely with a bit of fear, and hopefully not out of self-sabotage. But then again, I don't know if anything in life is a guarantee except for death, and even then, if you believe in reincarnation, that's only part of the cycle of greater evolution.
Maybe it's okay just not to know about anything. Maybe that's what keeps us hungry for living.
I meditated before I left the house and felt a warmth of surrender flow through me, where this is again an opportunity to practice faith that all will be well in the end. Any sort of transition, even if it's for good, involves change of some sort and that change means a loss of what is to transform into what will be.
During our conversation on the sand, where I expressed gratitude for the healing lessons he's inspired within me, he said to me, "I'm so grateful that you are in this world, doing what you're doing. Just by being you, being candid and honest with your writing, sharing what most people would never dare to, you're helping so many others."
I've always thought about entering a life coaching program, to both better understand myself and have the credentials to help someone else. When I mention this to the people in my life who've known me in multiple capacities, whether as a fellow yoga teacher, a student, a colleague, or a friend, they all say, "You don't need it. You're already a life coach. You're already teaching so many people just by being who you are. You already know everything."
What is it then? What is this driving force to want to perpetually learn more? To ask the right questions, so I can get to those aha answers? Part of it is still about control — I think the more I know, the less likely I'll be smacked upside the head by life, the I used to be treated by my parents. But, the other part is that I believe life is meant to be lived up to the fullest, so what better way to do that than expanding my consciousness to encompass everything this existence has to offer?
I want to make a big impact. I want to inspire a feel good existence for so many people, because I know exactly what it feels like to live in misery and suffering. Yet, I'm reminded that many of the most successful people soared because they were simply doing what they loved, regardless of whether anyone else took note. There's just this pressure I've imposed upon myself that time is limited and I want to make sure this life counts! Again, the idea that I only get this one-go-around is an old paradigm, because the new consciousness I'm surrounded by says that linear way of living doesn't allow for exponential and simultaneous possibilities to occur.
I know that I'm already making a difference in people's lives. I can see it on the faces of my students when they step off their mats, through their actual feedback of telling me that coming to my classes is like going to a spa or a different kind of therapy, through hearsay, and even from staff members who say, "Everyone loves you Judy" or "People look so happy when they walk out of your classes." I hear it when my friends tell me how they enjoy being around me because by the time they leave my company, they feel invigorated about life and much better about themselves. And, I know it because readers of my writing send me notes about how much my words are enhancing their lives.
Maybe that feeling from when I was little can go away now. Maybe rather than feeling like I'm not enough, can I feel like I'm more than awesome? Just as I am, right here, right now. Just the way I teach my students. Just the way that quiet, still voice in my heart believes, but that louder ego bully keeps shutting down.
"To be honest," my friend just told me over the phone. "The world isn't going to end with you. If you fuck up, the world will go on and right itself. You're allowed to change your mind. You're allowed to make mistakes. And you know. You just need to trust yourself more."
In the end, all I get is this moment. This one. I can't bank on anything else, but this present unfolding. For this moment, I can see that I am all I need to be and making a substantial impact just by shining my essence as part of this wonderful Universe — human, divine, or a blend between the two.