"Nothing is really work
unless you would rather be doing something else."
~James Matthew Barrie
When I was in the throes of my eating disorder, where I was lost in a spiral of bingeing and purging, my full-time job was working at Herbalife, where day in and day out, I would write about the wonders of weight loss.
Needless to say, this helped contribute to a breakdown/breakthrough in my therapy process.
But, here I am again. My expertise for the past eight years or so has been in health, wellness and beauty. What I do for a profession as a copywriter is work with clients who sell products that aim to "reduce wrinkles!" and "maintain your youthful appearance!' and "lose weight and keep it off!"
I've been told by several mentors not to do things for the money. They encourage me to pursue my passions and embolden my talents. By doing so, they say, the money will come.
Here is where faith comes in.
I believe them. Part of me does. And there's even a large rational part of me that understands from a practical standpoint how to pitch the articles I write, which I do care about, to numerous publications. After all, I'm a published travel writer. I know how the process works.
Yet, what do I do? I keep going back to the default, of finding clients — or even clients finding me — to do the work that I know how to do, but that I approach with such a heavy resistance, it must show through in the delivery and quality of work I produce.
Yes, I love using my strategic brain. I absolutely enjoy coming up with creative and smart marketing campaigns, of collaborating with other intelligent people in exciting ways. But, I often do step back and wonder how I'm contributing to this consumer world of feeling like you're not good enough just as you are.
When I was given my Sanskrit name upon graduating from my Advanced 300-Hour Teacher Training Program, the Director told me that she chose this name, because of my many talents and capabilities. And I started thinking about the things I've done: built a Karma Yoga program, created a jewelry line, published a Chakra Journal, become a travel writer, become a Reiki Master practitioner, led yoga workshops, and the list goes onward.
Maybe what people say is true. Maybe I am talented beyond my comprehension, and that I simply need to focus on what it is that I want to do. But man oh man, is it hard to let go of the things that you know to leap into the things that you don't, even if the latter stirs your heart and delights your soul and creates smile that last for eternity.
When expressing my stress over the quality of my freelance work lately, I was greeted with two responses (one serendipitous, and the other a nice reminder):
"You know another thing I'm grateful for?" T asked me last night. "I'm grateful that we're both successful entrepreneurs."
I looked at him, shook my head, and leaned into his arms for a hug.
"It's funny that you say that, because I've been feeling like I'm screwing myself over with a client right now. Maybe it's self-sabotage, but I appreciate your reminder that everything is okay."
Then, this morning, in texting with my friend M, "Maybe look at it as though if this doesn't work out, it's just making room for something better."
And it's true, because does it really serve me to continue working on clients where all I write about is weight loss, when for so long, this has been a trigger for me? I know I'm doing it to help pay the bills, so it goes back to the idea that I'm doing this for the money. Perhaps this is the Universe's way of asking me to explore my truth, to lean into the discomfort of putting my writing out there in ways that are meaningful to me so that I can live my life's purpose, and to finally take a stand that I am worth so much more than I have given myself credit for.
From career to health to relationships, maybe this is the time for me to make room for infinitely better in every way and the first step towards that is being honest with myself and then believing in my worth and what I can do and then taking a stand to do it.
Every moment is an opportunity for learning and a chance to practice faith. For today, I'm asking the Universe to teach me through love rather than fear, to motivate me to grow by encouraging me to make choices based on the belief in abundance rather than lack.
Here I go...