Tuesday, April 2, 2013

I won't be any better if I were famous.

"Things may come to those who wait,
but only the things left by those who hustle."
~Abraham Lincoln

There are adages about hard work and then those about the importance of relaxing into life. When you're a Type A personality at heart, how do you live between the two? 

Recently, I've been told a few things by various people in my life, which have me pondering their meaning. In summation: 
  1. It's great that you're trying new things, but what about just accepting that you're exactly who you are — someone who thinks a lot, worries about things, tries really hard?
  2. It's great that you're working hard on your book and would really like to help a lot of people with it, but even if you do become famous, it doesn't validate you anymore. You're awesome, just as you are right now.
  3. Perfection doesn't exist. 
  4. You look outward to too many people for advice. Too many cooks in the kitchen. Try listening to yourself. 
  5. You are still so hard on yourself! Take it easy! Relax!
Over the past month and a half, I seem to have fallen into a funnel of internal hurricanes and everywhere the tip lands, it just wreaks more havoc in my life. On the surface, everything's great albeit in transition. Seen one way, they're opportunities. Seen another, they're big moments of adjusting into a new way of living:
  1. I've moved out of a living situation that wasn't the best fit into a generous space with a sweet friend and an awesome puppy to boot. (Or... moving is one of the most stressful experiences anyone can encounter, ranking right up there with dealing with death, and this is a temporary situation, which means that I'll still be looking for a place to settle my heart and call home, which is something I haven't been able to do in I-don't-even-know-how-long.)
  2. I've been hired as the Managing Editor of an amazing little start-up company that combines all of the areas in my life I'm passionate about, including yoga and music and interviewing and writing. (Or... there's so much I'd like to do with the company and not enough resources at the moment to enable a full dedication of my energies, so how do I balance everything to ensure that I'm energetically balanced, because my gung ho attitude just wants to invest more? And, how do I really ask the Universe to not only always earn what I'm worth, but to also bring great prosperity and abundance in all of my endeavors?)
  3. I've asked that a potential romantic relationship transition back to a friendship, and I'm open although not searching for the right person to come along. (Or... how do I really open up to the right person to come into my life?)
Essentially, there's a whole lot of "what the fuck am I doing" happening right now, because even though on the outside looking in, everything's hunky dory, on the inside experiencing out, I'm a hot mess. I've reached out to my mind-body mentor for a check-in, because I feel like I don't want to plummet any deeper and the levels of anxiety, confusion, self-loathing, and worry are reaching new levels. When I was driving away from a meeting today, I began to recall the depression I suffered from in college and how much I did not want to go back to that time, but that these moments lately have begun to feel like teetering on the ledge of an unknown abyss.

I've been listening to a lot of podcasts and they're always sharing a message I need to hear in that moment. How the mistakes and the questioning are what bring you closer to God. On the drive to the meeting, my thoughts were around the fact that I still don't believe the Universe is not a punishing, that I don't have to constantly be one-upping my own game to get love, success, insert-any-positive-synonym-here. My shoulders lately have felt so tight, it's as though I'm curled up into a perpetual ball with the upper half of my body and it seems no amount of body work from outside sources or even myself is helping. 

Tonight, I caught a glimpse of the show The Bible that's been on the History Channel lately. I'm not at all religious, and aim to be spiritual, but there was one moment on screen that got to me. Jesus was talking to someone I believe was his disciple, and I thought how amazing that would be to see whatever you believe your spirituality to be appear right in front of you as validation that a higher force exists. It'd be proof that all the things unknown are unfolding precisely for your greatest evolution. It'd be proof that there is a love greater than anything you can find on this planet. It'd just fucking blow your mind, I'm sure. But that's what I've been seeking. I know miracles happen in every moment of every day, I get that. I know my place in life is better than the majority of the world and that I am lucky and blessed in infinite ways. Yet, I also know that since I was young, I believed I was placed on this planet for a greater purpose. And, even though my soul senses that I'm already carrying it out, that brain part of me just doesn't quite feel it yet, especially when I compare myself to those more "successful" than I am at the moment.

"Comparison is the thief of joy," I posted a quote from Teddy Roosevelt today. It's true. But it's also a bad habit (among several I have) that I keep indulging in. 

When I was young, my life was shitty. There's no other way to go about it. I don't think that I told myself that I had a higher purpose so that I could talk myself out of drowning in the dysfunction around me. I knew it, from a deep karmic level I couldn't describe. Sure, maybe it was just a survival mechanism and it's gotten me to where I am today. But when I was young, I also loved praying in front of the Kwan Yin statue placed upon the small shrine created by my grandmother. Anytime my hands were brought together at my heart and I kowtowed down on the ground, I had such a reverence that went beyond my understanding at the time of what spirituality even was. Today, I am still humbled by a faith that was fostered long before I arrived on this planet. I think. 

I have a sense now that all of these things are happening to bring me to a tipping point that will enable me to finally ask for what I want and believe that I am worthy of receiving it. Because, I'm tired of living below my value on this planet, be it emotionally, financially, physically or any other -ly. When I get out of my head, I know I'm fucking awesome. I know I'm beautiful and I'm talented and I'm intelligent as the best of them and as creative as all hell breaks loose. I know that I'm powerful beyond measure, that I can manifest opportunities and experiences that cause jaws to drop. I know I am the queen bee. 

But those voices I grew up with challenge me to keep me small, and I'm SO. FUCKING. OVER. IT. I'm sexy and I'm strong and I've been through piles of manure to create fertile ground, which means I know of that which I speak and write from. This is why I'm a kick-ass teacher. This is why I'm inspirational. This is also why I'm gracious and compassionate and don't go with that eye-for-an-eye crap, because even though people have messed with me, if I really wanted to — poof — they'd be gone. And I'm not kidding.

I can think of several people right now, who I have bitten my tongue with and instead approached with love and light. Something within me knew they weren't worth it. I knew that my entire being outweighed their output. Because, if the opportunity and necessity came along, I would beat down on someone until they were pulverized. I've always said that people don't want to mess with me. I am a force to be reckoned with, pure intensity unleashed. My close friends have seen it in my face, they've felt the shift happen in my presence. If I am angry, you and the whole world will know it.

I've been through downright terrifying. I've seen people at their very worst. And while I have not fought back, it is only out of kindness, because if I wanted to retaliate, it would be motherfucking brutal. I can be mean. And by mean, I mean absolutely and undeniably cruel. Instead, I trust that the Universe will bring them the effects of their actions and if not in this lifetime than in the next ones they'll experience. 

This is the side of me the people have not seen. This is the side of the me that I feel I have to keep in check, because I have a propensity to attack if truly provoked or triggered. Instead, I've funneled that energy into my life in productive ways. I've used that drive to achieve my ambitions. I've used the energy I could've dedicated towards creating more anger in the world to swallow what i thought I could handle rather than having everyone else hold their own responsibilities. That's not my job anymore. I don't need to take care of anyone else anymore. I can care FOR them, I no longer need to take care OF them.

Right now, my job is me. If I want to scream at the top of my lungs, I will drive to a mountain top or dive into the sea to do so. Truth be told, I kind of like having this dark and stormy side. It keeps me real. It keeps me fired up. I just have to figure out how not to let the flames burn my heart and soul along the way of keeping it stoked. 

This is me, living Parvati, the name I was given upon graduating my advanced 300-Hour yoga teacher training program. She is the goddess from which all other goddesses come. She has the ferocity and darkness of Kali, the courage of warrior Durga, and the love, passion, and compassion of being Shiva's wife and Ganesha's mother. 

She is woman embodied. 

And so am I. 

Hear. Me. Roar.

4 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing! Love your sense of fiesty-ness and awesome-ness! xxx

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    1. Hi there! Thank you so much! I appreciate the compliments. If you see it in me, that means that it's likely within you, too. :) Happy day and look forward to sharing more with you!

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  2. I have been reading and re-reading this post. I'm having an out of body experience because I feel like we are sharing the same story. I've been dealing and shedding away all the bullshit of my life and letting myself live and be at peace with the woman I am, not the woman I think I needed to be for everyone else. It's not an easy journey, but its worth it. Love Sister.

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    1. Hi Anndrea, Thank you SO much for sharing your thoughts! They mean a lot to me as I'm learning and living along the way. I'm looking forward to forming a sisterhood of amazing women all around the world. Thank you for being part of that tribe! Love, Judy.

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