"All the arms we need are for hugging."
My business coach says to celebrate the small victories, even the teeniest tiniest ones. It used to be that I would binge and purge my emotions away — I could never have believed that my life would become what it is now. That was a huge win. But, I would still overeat, especially late at night, and sometimes go into binge behavior. Even if the quantities of food were not the same, it felt just as it did in the past. Then, through a lot of work and support from professionals and friends, that's become less of a habit, too. Now, when I express concerns over my approach to eating, I'm told that it's relatively "normal," in that every one in our society likely has a distorted relationship with food and body image.
I got bodywork done today to alleviate the perpetual pain in my hip, the tightness in my shoulders and neck, and now a bit of plantar fasciitis. It feels like I'm getting old, but what it actually is, is that I'm athletic and I do a lot and my profession entails movement. It's using my body fully.
The other thing that happens with bodywork is that it releases a lot of old pent-up emotions, brings forth even greater awareness of the amount of stress I'm under, and because of the person I go see, calls forward other thoughts and feelings. A lot of the time, after a session, I just want to cry.
The thing about removing food as a crutch is just that — it's no longer something I can lean on, something that I can use as a distraction from my true potential and real experiences. Instead of numbing out, I am forcing myself to look with open eyes at what's happening and, even more importantly, approaching it with an open heart.
Sadness. That's what I have right now. I have a heavy feeling in my heart that pulls upon my face, so that it becomes sullen and my voice becomes silent. My eyes feel like they're on the verge of watering with salty tears, I keep bringing my palms to face and moving them slowly to cover my eyes and down my checks. My whole body just slows down. It's a sadness over wondering whether I'll ever meet someone who can love me in a way that I deserve. It's a sadness at feeling like I'm hurting, and I need help healing, but what that requires is relying upon someone else, which is achingly hard for to do. It's a sadness that I didn't get a lot of the vital care I needed to thrive, so instead, I've lived life feeling a bit broken, no matter how many people tell me the contrary and no matter how much work I've done to embrace the healthier understanding that there is no perfection, there just is processing. It's a sadness that I have so much love around me and I have such a hard time removing the impenetrable barrier I've placed around my heart to let it in. It's a sadness that comes from having a hard time being in the mystery, being in that place of waiting to see how things will unfold, being surrendered to whatever the Universe has in store.
If I were going to celebrate the tiny victories of today, then they would be: 1) waking up, 2) working out, 3) moving past my boundaries to connect with other women, 4) speaking my truth, 5) teaching a class from my heart regardless of how many people showed up, 6) choosing healthy foods for lunch, 7) sitting down to write, 8) listening, 9) breathing, 10) being vulnerable in ways that may not be apparent to anyone else but me, 11) making myself dinner, 12) not overeating because I'm sad, 13) taking the dog to the dog park instead and being in the sunshine and grass and turning around to take in the view of the ocean, 14) admitting where I am rather than pretending to be in a better place, 15) pausing with my hands at my heart in gratitude for being of service.
It's hard to hear from so many people, "You're so awesome, I don't know why you haven't met anyone!" because it feels like there's something wrong with me. That I'm doing something wrong or the Universe doesn't love me enough or that maybe life is unfair and people can't have everything (which I don't believe is true). Maybe it should just be, "You're so awesome. Period." or "You're so awesome, and the Universe has a Divine Plan in Divine Timing." Or, what I liked hearing from my craniosacral healer, "Maybe it has nothing to do with you. Maybe you're totally fine and your partner just isn't ready yet."
Whatever is the case, this is where I am. And, I'm just letting it flow. Because, as my business coach also said, "Be more flowy. Let this whole process be more flowy."
Here's to letting it flow, even if it means for now, tears streaming down my face.