"Each has his past shut in him like the leaves of a book
known to him by heart and his friends can only read the title."
There's this thing that bodyworkers say, which really gets to me: "It's okay, relax. I've got you." It shows me how little I let go, how much I feel like I have to take care of everything on my own.
As part of this spring cleaning phenomenon, I didn't realize that what would also happen is that I'd also be spring cleaning my emotions... it seems to have popped up in the most unexpected of ways and at odd times.
Like, the other morning, when I was making breakfast. I cut an avocado in half, and began to remember how my grandmother would do the same thing for us grandkids when she was alive and living with us, this woman who was the only person in my entire childhood who loved me unconditionally.
The moment I sat down to eat, I dug my spoon into the green fleshy part of my avocado and then burst into tears. I thought about how much I missed my grandmother, how much I longed to have someone like that in my life who I felt would always be there for me, even in presence alone. I missed the care she offered, the solace when my parents were being brutal towards one another or towards me. I've been exhausted from always having to do everything on my own my entire life, from personal to emotional to financial care, and I believe that deciding to work with my coach has brought all this to the forefront.
Because finally, I feel like I can relax. Let go. And trust that someone else has got me.