"I have an idea that the phrase 'weaker sex' was coined
by some woman to disarm some man
she was preparing to overwhelm."
For most of my life, I did not want to be seen as a girl. Tomboy, sure. In my mind at the time, I didn't want to be perceived as weak and vulnerable, so I did my best to be as strong and defiant as I could be. Tell me I can't do something? I'll show you I can.
It's bode well for business. And it did well in school. But, in my personal life? Being this kind of leader simply wasn't attracting men who would help take care of me, but rather ones I would become like a mother to.
It alienated me when I was in a room full of women, feeling like the most masculine one in the bunch. I didn't want to put on make-up in front of each other and do our hair or parade around in my bra and underwear trying on one another's clothes. I didn't want to gossip, to complain, to do anything that resembled being a "girl."
I just wanted to be one of the boys. Or, so I thought.
Because I've come to realize that being a girl is awesome. Being a woman is even better. We can be as creative as we want to be from appearance to personality, and we can do everything as good as the boys can do.
As Mae West said, "Curve: the loveliest distance between two points." So, why am I trying to look like I have a 12-year old boy body, instead of embracing the muscles and my voluptuous breasts and the soft parts in between, too? After all, the more I talk to men, the more I realize that they like a bit of oomph to one's figure, and that the stupid magazines and media I've been exposed to have been telling me completely anorexic lies.
Today, as part of my Letting LOose Challenge, I played girl pop music in my car. Loud. I rolled down the windows and sang along. It finally clicked in my head that if I want to attract a man who's going to be the kind of man I'd like for him to be, then I need to be the kind of woman I want to be.
And, y'know what? I have plenty of emotions that shift throughout the day. I also have insecurities and confidence beyond my own comprehension. I have power and I have sweetness. I am a nurturer and I am learning to honor my love for being cared for in turn. I love my girlfriends beyond belief, and I'm opening up to inviting more close male friends, too.
In the past, I believed that feeling like I was in control gave me an illusive sense of safety, but in the end, all I've really wanted is a man secure enough within himself to encourages me to shine as a woman.
This means that I feel comfortable to roll with my intuition, sort through various feelings, have different desires, change my mind fairly frequently, and want to talk about things until I've worked them out in my head and my heart. It also means that I like to be pampered and romanced and surprised in pleasant ways. It means I like the door opened for me, from the car to the restaurant, and that I can sometimes crumble and he will gather me up, just as I would for him. But, the role I've often played up until now is the one who figures out the bills, who determines where we'll go and what we'll do, who decides how the relationship will progress. It's no wonder I would find myself wondering why I can't relax into feeling good around my partner, as I wasn't being true to me, but instead, to the person I thought they wanted me to be. And, to their credit, I feel a few of them really did just want me to be happy... being.
So today, I let myself be a girl. I even bought clothes that said, "I love boobies" to support a good cause and because, hey, I do. My boobs are great.
I'm enjoying learning how to be a girl. In fact, I'm kind of loving it.