Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Finally, just me.

"Never does nature say one thing and wisdom another."
~Juvenal, Satires

Y'know, sometimes, you just reach a limit. There's a max capacity for certain things, and occasionally, you stumble upon it without realizing that you hit it weeks, months, maybe even years earlier. That's what happened with my mind-body therapy program. I had enough. I hit a wall and have been banging my head against it for months. 

I walk into my session with Barry and the first thing I say to him is "I just want to be done with this already."

Barry then goes on to offer 30-minutes of knowledge as to why I'm likely being resistant, why my admonitions or ego might be getting the best of me. Yet, while he's talking, all I keep thinking is how I want to get out of there and move forward with my life already. 

"This is only the start of the program," Barry continues to tell me. "After releasing these admonitions for your mom and dad, there's more to do."

I could not believe it. "There's more to this?!" I exclaim. 'Oh no no no,' I think to myself. There's no way I'm doing anymore of this. 

And, this isn't denial, as he's alluding to. I'm a very self-aware person, I know what truth is for me, because I can feel it in my body and in my heart. 

"Barry, I've been in some form of therapy or healing since I was 26, if not earlier. I'm done. It's time for me to trust myself and be empowered to make my own decisions."

Just the day before, I went to see a very experienced bodyworker about my knee, which still needs healing from the accident. During our conversation, he suddenly wouldn't let up on the idea of my having a Peter Pan Syndrome. 

"Judy, you're very much like me. You'll always have this youthful spirit about you. But, you need to grow up. I can see two very clear-cut paths for you, I've seen a lot of people choose the one that won't serve them in the end. I mean, you're highly intelligent and accomplished, but sometimes, you act like a bimbo. And, I have to give you credit, for you to act like a bimbo takes quite a bit of talent, because you're anything but that. You could easily get into a relationship, and you'd likely stay in it, since you're very agreeable. But really, you've GOT to stop this Peter Pan Syndrome."

I wasn't sure whether to be offended or grateful, because though he's known me over the course of the past couple of years in and out and remembered lots of details about my life from our sessions, I'd never heard him impart such definitive advice and really want me to take heed of his warnings. In fact, he even emailed about it afterward.

Of course, Life presented this dialogue at just the right timing, as it'd been something I'd already been mulling around for awhile, this idea of growing up. As my birthday is right around the corner, and I'm embarking upon my 35th year, it makes sense that I'd feel a transition is coming. 

What our conversation also spurred was this understanding that I have too many cooks in the kitchen, and I'm over it. Which brings me back to Barry. The more he talked, the more I could see a new revelation coming up, a truth a part of me had always known, yet hadn't really tapped into quite yet. 

'He wants me to continue therapy with him, because I'm helping to heal him,' I thought to myself. This isn't a thought that comes out of nowhere. In working with my life coach, he's also told me, "It's such a joy to work with you." And, more and more, I'm realizing that my presence in any situation, personally or professionally, has a healing effect. None of this comes from a place of ego, but rather an understanding of undeniable purpose that's rooted in both experience and innate wisdom.

After our session, I made a beeline for the ocean. I texted my next meeting that I needed a breather, and marched to the sand until my feet stood in the cool and clear lapping waves. The sun glimmering on the water looked like a cascade of shining lights and the sensation of water on my feet allowed me to sigh into the moment of being loved by what I believe is my most tangible connection to Source — Nature. 

I felt free. I felt like I finally, just like when I got my tattoo, took my life into my own hands and started trusting myself more. That I know what I need. And I don't need someone else to get into my psyche to tell me what's best or where I need work on. Because, for the rest of my life, I'll be working on learning and growing and resolving and expanding. There is no point of perfection I'm going to get to, and so long as I can be okay with the unknown, with being patient and living with grace and awareness to the best of my ability, then I'm more than all right. 

Now, it's just me. Maturing into the woman I've always wanted to be. And, it feels beyond amazing.

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