Friday, October 11, 2013

Learning to love my body and my entire s/Self.

"The power of love to change bodies is legendary, built into folklore, common sense, and everyday experience.  Love moves the flesh, it pushes matter around.... Throughout history, "tender loving care" has uniformly been recognized as a valuable element in healing." 
~Larry Dossey

There's a reason that this photo only shows my legs, and my body is in a reclined position. This is how I feel that you can't see the flab around my middle — my "problem area" as I've repeatedly berated myself for throughout many years now.

The other thing that's not being seen in this photo is the fact that I'm in Kauai, one of the most beautiful places in the world. You don't see how I just finished rockin' in while surfing for the first time on this island in Hawaiian waters at Rock Quarries. You don't see how there's a river behind me and the ocean in front of me, and that my body has processed a healthy lunch that gives me fuel for playing and thinking and being.

You don't see any of that, because my obsession is with what I don't want you to see.

Last night, I didn't sleep hardly at all. I had bad dreams, couldn't get comfortable, and know that a large part of it was because I had purposely overeaten before bed. Binge-snacking is one of my comfort mechanisms, and up until now, I've found such solace in engaging in behaviors that I know won't serve me in the long run (other than to create material to write about).

Have you ever had a really big meal before bed, then had awful dreams throughout the night? That was somewhat like what I went through, except that this time, there's an added kicker. I feel that this island does not want me to be unkind to myself, it does not want me to do the things I would normally do, which would hurt me mentally, emotionally, or physically.

I desperately want to love myself and the body that I'm in. Yesterday, I asked myself why this is happening, if this is indeed a mental and emotional issue, or if it goes beyond that. If it truly is a spiritual hunger that I've been aiming to satiate in only the broken ways I've known how.

I want the freedom on the other side of [THIS]. This place. This way of thinking. This way of being, when it comes to how I feel in my body. My coach had said to create a relationship with this island as Mama Kauai being the mother I'd always yearned to have. What would she say to this? How would she respond to me, as I'm beating myself up for not being thin enough, for not being fit enough, for bingeing when I know that it doesn't nothing good for me.

She'd open her arms and wrap me in a warm embrace, hold and comfort me by telling me that I am indeed enough, that I'm more than beautiful inside and out, that there is no shame or guilt I need to hold onto. She'd be sweet in caressing my skin and soothing my heart.

And, I'd believe her. Because she's my Mom. And, because she's unconditionally loving and always accepting. I need help, Mama Kauai.

I need help to become the woman I've always dreamed of being. Thank you.