Monday, May 5, 2014

Changing the Patterns of Love

"The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove
than the hunger for bread."
~Mother Teresa

"I'm not a pattern," he says to me. And, while my brain was on overdrive yesterday, I realized that if I don't want the same things to happen in relationships as I've had before, I need to change my own patterns as well.

My coach once told me that he was in a relationship with someone where his girlfriend was convinced that he would cheat on her. It'd happened to her in the past, so she was sure it would happen again. My coach, on the other hand, had never cheated on anyone and never had the impulse to. Yet, her energy around this belief was so strong — as were her behaviors — that she was willing this misbelief about him to become truth once again, to the point that he said to her, "Look, your words and actions towards me are now making it so that I want to cheat. And I've never wanted to do that with anyone before. So, we need to do something about this."

Just like that. Our beliefs are that strong. People are willing to live or die by their beliefs, but even more so, they're willing to suffer for them.

I've been willing to suffer for mine.

My patterns have kept me safe. They've kept me confined in a world I know, even if it's not a world I want to be in anymore. Patterns are habits and as we know, habits are extremely powerful.

I realized that if I don't want this beautiful and special connection we have between us to falter or fade, then I need to do things differently, too. It's wonderful that he's aware, he's open, he's willing to communicate any and everything with me, even admitting that sometimes, he might be more direct than tactful. But that's only one side of the equation and there are two of us on either side of this addition sign.

So, what do I need to change?

I need to change my belief that he will change somehow. Of course he'll change, I get that. I'll change, too. But what I've been anticipating is the other shoe to drop. When will the "real him" come out, I've wondered, because this "him" that he's shown me so far has been a dream come true, and I haven't knows what it's like to receive such good.

Which brings me to the next thing I need to change, which is the idea of struggle. I've been so used to fighting for everything, of competing, of attacking, of aiming to win, that I haven't let things come peaceably to me as they would like to. I'm slowly (and sometimes a bit more swiftly) adopting the belief that life can indeed be easy, and it doesn't mean any less for lack of fight.

I haven't allowed for the fact that just by being, I am enough. I could sit there beside him, sharing space, and he is as contented as if I were to gift him his favorite things or make him a delicious meal. There is nothing I need to DO other than to BE me and that is more than plenty.

Going back to "the other shoe dropping" phenomenon, I believe that I've been waiting for that moment when will everything come cascading down. Like, "Haha, just kidding, you thought you could be happy?" Because if that's what I'm seeking and that's where my energy is going, then of course, ta da, it's likely to happen. None of us — not even him — can predict what'll happen, and the other way to assuage that worry is to live in the now.

He often catches me staring off into space, knowing that I'm lost in too many thoughts. He gently brings me back into the present with a smile, a touch, a question. And then when I tell him what's on my mind, he encourages, "How about we don't live in the 'what if's' but we live in the 'what is' right now? And, what is right now is wonderful."

He's right. He's not like anyone I've ever met before, which means that the work I've been doing on myself attracted a different match. Since we're all on an upward spiral movement in life, I'll keep evolving too. Change is good.

Actually, when it comes to patterns, change can be pretty damn great.

Monday, March 3, 2014

Surfing Into Surrender

"Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience."
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I've realized that my approach to life is what I'm bringing onto the water... and, given that everything is intertwined, it's no wonder that I'm learning how to commit. 

What else has surfing in Kauai been teaching me?

  • Learning how to drop in — into my heart and intuition as much as dropping into the face of the wave.
  • Surrender — being fluid to go with the flow rather than fight forces much more powerful than me. 
  • Abundance — understanding that I don't have to go for everything. I can be discerning about which waves to catch, knowing that there are plenty more to come. I can choose the one that feels right for me.
  • Balance, being centered, resilience — when I pop up, it's imperative to be in the right place; when I fall off the board, I paddle back out. I shake off what I project people might be thinking after watching me fall, because what matters more is cultivating a confidence in myself and my relationship with the aina (land) & kai (ocean).
  • Humility and presence — getting knocked around by Mother Nature immediately gets me out of my head. Being distracted even a little bit means missing a wave, getting injured, or pure foolishness.
  • Real patience with myself — to be grateful in this awkward novice phase, because being a constant learner is a mastery practice.
  • Having fun! ('Nuff said.)


Mary Morrissey, an inspirational coach who's spent time with all the leading luminaries, says that if you go to the ocean of potential and you ask for a teaspoon, the ocean happily offers you a teaspoon. If you go with a bucket, the ocean joyfully shares with you a bucket. But if you go saying, "I want to dive in and play," the ocean welcomes you into the healing ebb and flow of the sea.

As a surfer and mermaid at heart, I love this idea that however much capacity I allow is how much divine love and inspiration flows through me. I choose how much goodness will wash over my life. No matter what's happening around or within me, the moment I get into the water, I'm brought back to a humbling sense of peace. And, even if I might feel frustrated throughout my session, when I get out of the water and my feet touch the sand, I'm inevitably more joyful than when I got in it, renewed at being immersed in Mother Nature. 

Recently, I stopped by a local restaurant after a surf session. My hair was wet and salty, remnants of sand on my toes. "Beach feet," a friend calls it.

"Did you just go surfing?" a familiar face asks.

"Yep," I smile.

"I could tell," he responds, "You can just see it on your face. Look at that after-surf glow."

Where do you find your ocean of potential? How much are you asking for? 

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Love Day is coming up!

"To find someone who will love you for no reason,
and to shower that person with reasons,
that is the ultimate happiness." 
~Robert Brault

I haven't written in this blog in a little while, partly because since moving to Kauai, what I've been working on is becoming the woman who I've always wanted to be. True, this is a lifelong process, but the thing that no one tells you about moving to an island is that if living in paradise were easy, everyone would do it. 

It's not. 

There's an initiation phase, some say. There's this proving of yourself and this willingness to demonstrate commitment, before the island will reveal her love. Or, there's the simple understanding that what we believe is reflected back to us all the more quickly, similar to karma, because what we're living on here is a small little circle, so that what goes around comes around — fast.

I love Love. I realized that the other day, as I've been moving from haze to clarity in fostering a new voice. My friends, my coaches, say they can hear it in my voice, that real growth has happened. Even though, in the midst of everything, it may not feel like it so much to me, what I've done apparently is learn to love myself more than ever.

When I was in Maui visiting a friend, we went to a restaurant, where the busser was this unexpectedly accomplished man in that he not only worked at an organization for the blind and deaf, but that he himself used to be blind six years prior. Through the donation of organs from two separate individuals (a middle-aged man and a young girl), he was gifted sight once more. He told me, as were chatting briefly and sharing similar stories of why we found ourselves on Hawaii, that after a year of being there, he could say with confidence that he loved himself more than he ever has in his life.

"The dark parts about you will be darker than you thought; the light parts about you lighter than you thought. But, I'll tell you this, you'll know all of yourself very well," he smiled.

He was right. I've encountered dark nights of the soul here. Very, very, dark nights of the soul. I thought for a second that maybe I made the wrong decision, but in my gut, I knew I hadn't, because even though I thought of somewhere else I could move to, I already knew from experience that no matter how far I flee, I will still meet myself. So, where better to explore and discover everything than in this isle of Kauai? 

One of my coaches said recently that it's vital we self-generate that which we're looking for, because it's in doing so that we attract what we ultimately want. I want love. I have wanted love since before my birth, I feel, and it truly is the most important thing in the world to me, that I'm only now freely and willingly admitting to myself and then to the world around me. While I tend to be hard on myself, my coach pointed out, "You haven't been doing this process very long! You're still a sprout! Give yourself time to grow!" And yet, a part of me feels like I've been on this journey forever, so would Love hurry up already? 

That's where Divine Timing comes in. Trust. Faith. Surrender. And this amazing practice of letting go, so that I don't have to be in control anymore, because shoot, at the end of the day, I'm still human. No matter how much I tap into my Infinite Self, I came into this incarnation to be human and experience everything to the fullest. The bigger picture stuff, the really vital and crucial stuff, that stuff isn't for me to determine solely. It's a co-creation. I set my intention, and then I ask for "This or something even better" trusting that the "even better" may not have even come into my imagination yet. 

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I could easily get down that I'm spending it solo, but I'm actually not. I have this whole Divine Guidance Team of angels surrounding me, and I have friends and family who love me, and most importantly, I have myself. 

I've been asking myself a lot lately, when I get stressed or worried, "What do you need, honey? What do you need in this moment right now?" And surprisingly, I know. And even more shockingly, I'm able to give it to myself. THAT is growth. That is huge. That is where my life is now. 

I want to celebrate that. We don't have very many rituals in our society anymore, and practices like these give us comfort. They help us know what to expect and to honor what we're surrendering in order to grow into the next evolution of who we are. 

So tomorrow, I have an opportunity to create a new ritual. One that celebrates my relationship with myself. It'll be like my very first Valentine's Day, because I really never have loved myself like this before. I haven't ever allowed myself to embrace that I'm amazing. And that in shining brightly, in being all of my light, that I don't take away anything from anyone else — rather, I help illuminate the path for others to discover that brilliance within themselves, as well.

How will you celebrate your Love Day?